In third year high school, my friends were able to convince me to sign up for the cadet officers candidate course. (COCC) The purpose of the training, which lasts the entire school year was to groom the cadet dumb-guards to become respected officers.
Part of the servitude meant staying in the campus from sunrise to sundown. Apart from showing up neat and presentable, the cadets also served as the teachers' personal assistant. (buying their lunches, bringing their stuff wherever they go, or being asked to flag a cab outside the campus to bring it right in front of the building) I don't know what my other peers have learned, but they emerged from the program disciplined, organized and ready to lead the batch.
Memories of my COCC days were often hazy, save for the black tickler, the polished pair of leather shoes and the Saturday training along with the seniors. Yet one thing that got stuck in my head was the constant reference of my superiors to one of their officers who looks like an older version of me.
His name was Jaime. Much of his features are vague now, except for his smooth brown skin, deep set of eyes and broad shoulders that made him more looming that the corps commander himself. However, his laid-back attitude had earned him only a minor role in the corps. Aside from these shallow descriptions, Jaime's aloofness had left so much questions unanswered: Did he ever dated someone? What's his favorite subject? Who's his crush in high school? Does he watch anime or at least listen to rock bands? What are his plans after graduation?
Back then, Jaime was the one person I would love to get to know better. At a time when my self esteem took some serious blows, his quiet confidence and boundless optimism were the blueprint of my ideal self. The more my peers made fun or brushed me aside, the more I looked up to him. Jaime's steely gaze, his reserved smile, his bulky frame were his elements I wanted for myself. He was a loner with an attitude and my fascination was short of admiration - a secret crush. He was the reason I stuck with the junior cadets and planned to take his post after he left.
But these thoughts had never materialized. Only a week in the program and I left for the wilderness. Instead, Jaime will go down in history as the first guy I tried to copy. There will be more to come, each will have a set of attributes that made me fond of that person. Years went by and I'd tell others "I'd like to be you." in gestures or sometimes in words. I do not know what their reaction was, but one managed to block me in G4M from ever checking out his pictures.
Eventually, acceptance caught up and I got tired of looking for guys who would become - one day - as his reflection. Whether similar in looks or interests, I've learned to suppress my nature and assert full control over my space. I may have suffered some serious bumps along the way but lessons were learned.
In the end, all you have is your shadow to play.
In the end, all you have is your shadow to play.
With this reality, I stopped having open admiration or even showing deep fascination for people beyond my league. I ceased thinking of having a big brother or even relying on someone to look after my back. I may look up to people or sometimes become envy of some. But by now, I know, the accomplishments of others could always be mine.
I did not grow to become a full man without having faith in my potentials.
I did not grow to become a full man without having faith in my potentials.
But there are times I still get curious when friends tell they met someone who looks like me. I try not to elicit a reaction but you can always tell at the way my eyes glow.
"What does he look like? Is he cute?"
"How does he think?"
These are some questions, my mind wants to ask Besides, the thought of rubbing elbows with someone who could pass as your twin sounds like a good narrative.
But behind these narcissistic tendencies are remnants of some histories I only get to deal now - that my sister is married; that I am almost out of the closet; that I can always invite the partner to stay home without anyone asking.
I guess its not Jaime to begin with. Maybe its always been me.
As far as I can tell, my growing up years has been rife with self-denials. Finding someone to cast my reflection was something I'd hope for to at least, swallow, who I have become.
photo credits:
"What does he look like? Is he cute?"
"How does he think?"
These are some questions, my mind wants to ask Besides, the thought of rubbing elbows with someone who could pass as your twin sounds like a good narrative.
But behind these narcissistic tendencies are remnants of some histories I only get to deal now - that my sister is married; that I am almost out of the closet; that I can always invite the partner to stay home without anyone asking.
I guess its not Jaime to begin with. Maybe its always been me.
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| just one look at the picture and I can tell, kamukha ko siya. lol |
As far as I can tell, my growing up years has been rife with self-denials. Finding someone to cast my reflection was something I'd hope for to at least, swallow, who I have become.
photo credits: