First Part
Second Part
I would like to think I made the right choice: that leaving you was necessary for my mother and my sister to enjoy a good life. We both knew the business was crumbling, but instead of rallying the family to your defense, you chose to stay with your new mistress instead.
Your physical absence left a festering wound. At 22, I had to look after the family - a role you have not prepared me to take before. Learning took weeks, but it would take months before a company would actually hire me. And when I finally received my first salary - a meager sum I have worked for six days a week, I began to see you as a nuisance, a stinking remembrance that fed my desire to succeed.
The Fullmetal blog bore witness to my hatred. I said words, thankfully, you never heard. You felt the revulsion steaming from my skin, and with humility you accepted your place as an outsider in my life. I remember that day when you sent me a text message.
Nanghihiram ka sa akin ng 150 pesos. I left my workplace in Pasay just to see you at home and when our eyes locked, you could not look directly at me. That was the day you told me calmly, the publishing house was no more.
You passed by the house a few more times but I was able to avoid your presence because of work. Without a business to look after, you aimlessly wandered across city. Had I known how it felt - a king without a realm - an eagle with crushed wings - a life project dissolving in thin air - I would show more empathy. But a month before, mom was rushed at the hospital. We chose to deny you that knowledge, which you will regret the moment you learned. Still reeling from the trauma of that nightmare, I didn't even speak to you during Christmas and New Year.
But then, a chance encounter would allow us to meet again. It was my day off when you paid a visit. I remember hiding inside my room, but the maid had already tipped you. Instead of getting mad, you asked for a kiss, which I exchanged for a hug. You never spoke a word - never complained about my cold treatment. You left the house without a word.
That would be the last time I would see you dad. For all the disrespect and pain, for all the hatred and insolence I showed, you still tried to reach out and return. The truth was, mom and utol were willing to accept you, but I was the one who threatened to leave should you decide to go home. I saw you as a burden. It didn't matter if your spirit was broken. Your sister could take care of you. In the end, my heart softened after I learned that your new family was ignoring you.
You were nothing to them after all.
One night, we had an SMS conversation. That was after dropping my partner in Monumento and I was riding an FX bound home. You asked me if I was interested in owning a second-hand motorbike, an offer I politely denied. We had a pleasant talk dad. I even thanked you and reminded you that I'm too old for bikes. It would have been the thawing of our relations, a chance to mend a bitter past.
But our reconciliation came too late. The next time I would hear from you was in the form of a phone call from your sister.
"Hello J. Alam mo number ng emergency room ng Manila Doctors? Na-stroke ang papa mo... mukhang malala ang tama eh. Kailangan kong malaman ang number ng doctor niya doon!"
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| October 26, 1956 - February 9, 2005 |
Lying on my bed... somehow made me wonder about my feelings.I felt nothing towards him when he was here, in fact I just want him to leave the house the moment he's finished with his business. But when he left, I suddenly felt a cold dose of emptiness emanating within me. Between feeling guilty and heartlessWhy am I saddened when he left?
Father and SonFullmetal DreamsJanuary 25, 2005