Previously on Souljacker
February 14, 2003
It was past 7 in the evening. Lovers were everywhere. Restaurants and hotels were fully booked for dates and other expressions of intimacy. While lonely singles banded together for group dates and bachelor parties.
Meanwhile, there I was in Dapitan. The street was empty. There was a girl using the phone booth and she was crying while talking to someone on the other line. I can't remember why I'd be using the phone after her. All I know is that I just had a fight, and had this urging to let go once the boyfriend call it quits.
I won't run after him.
"You know what, I'm willing to give up everything. I'm willing to shell out so you can make both ends meet. Because you are my partner. Pero tama ka, break na tayo." I cleared my throat before pressing the button to send the reply.
Barely four months after meeting the stranger, my first man to man relationship had ended.
The split was welcomed with more jubilation than grief. My friends were behind me, (they never liked him in the first place) I've suffered for far too long that I was already plotting my exit. During the first two months, a day won't last without him picking up a fight. He would accuse me of cheating - even when I report to him at 6 in the morning and before I go to sleep at night. I even used our landline to assure him I was already home. On weekdays, I had to pick him up at work - not because he wanted to, but to let him know how dead serious I was with the commitment.
Because I was living a dream, at 21, while he dwelt on jadedness at 28.
The guy after him was no different. We lasted five years but all I remember now is how I kept my growing world hidden while our point of convergence straddled along the lines of personal convenience. He showed up only to use my computer for school, or he needed extra money to jack up his finances.
There were good times. But these were buried under heaps of emotional baggage and dissolved under the bitter awakening of how tiny our relationship had become. The aftertaste served as the fuse that lead to the end of our relationship. Had you read my deleted blog, you would understand the struggle, and for this reason, I never saw a future - much less - a permanent union.
God knows I had loved those men. He knows how I had surrendered every inch of me not only for their happiness, but for mine as well. He knows how I tried to make the relationship work despite its slow crumble. While on television, on online forums and in the streets, gay people assert their right to marry. The debate went on in the halls of congress like a poorly-rated musical shown season after season.
The motion gets junk before its first reading simply because the bigots say gay marriage is an affront to the Almighty.
Did my maker say that?
I stand by my faith that not a single word is found in the Scriptures, where Christ condemned people like me to eternal damnation. I have never known Him forbidding a man to love another man when it is sincere, heartfelt and drawn out from selfless inspiration.
And I believe too that a covenant meant for life doesn't need a priest as a witness. Love is between two people. The less fanfare it has, the deeper the attachment is. I've heard stories of gay couples marrying in a Metropolitan Church complete with media coverage only to divorce a few years later. Besides, a commitment is a work in progress. The attachment wears off from time to time, so it must be renewed by new shared experiences, and sometimes, even common struggles.
There are moments when I still ask myself if I was meant to go through two failed relationships and six wasted years so I may become wiser with the present one. Surely the scars remain with the first, and I have been less susceptible to revolts, after waging a protracted rebellion in the time of the second lover. I have also ceased relying on forever and instead, have learned to place my faith in love at present. I guess these are their legacies.
As for gay marriage, the aspiration will be realized sooner than we think. There is no need to rush, or worse, display those trappings of travesty when a gay man wears a bridal gown during Pride events. Everything falls into place, including collective perception.
As for me, I can afford to wait, and surely JC too, as we are both partners whose union is shaped by age. And if the time comes we decide to live together. A government recognition and protection will do.
After all, I speak of our creator everytime his thoughts cross mine.
For we already share a journey.
God knows I had loved those men. He knows how I had surrendered every inch of me not only for their happiness, but for mine as well. He knows how I tried to make the relationship work despite its slow crumble. While on television, on online forums and in the streets, gay people assert their right to marry. The debate went on in the halls of congress like a poorly-rated musical shown season after season.
The motion gets junk before its first reading simply because the bigots say gay marriage is an affront to the Almighty.
Did my maker say that?
I stand by my faith that not a single word is found in the Scriptures, where Christ condemned people like me to eternal damnation. I have never known Him forbidding a man to love another man when it is sincere, heartfelt and drawn out from selfless inspiration.
And I believe too that a covenant meant for life doesn't need a priest as a witness. Love is between two people. The less fanfare it has, the deeper the attachment is. I've heard stories of gay couples marrying in a Metropolitan Church complete with media coverage only to divorce a few years later. Besides, a commitment is a work in progress. The attachment wears off from time to time, so it must be renewed by new shared experiences, and sometimes, even common struggles.
There are moments when I still ask myself if I was meant to go through two failed relationships and six wasted years so I may become wiser with the present one. Surely the scars remain with the first, and I have been less susceptible to revolts, after waging a protracted rebellion in the time of the second lover. I have also ceased relying on forever and instead, have learned to place my faith in love at present. I guess these are their legacies.
As for gay marriage, the aspiration will be realized sooner than we think. There is no need to rush, or worse, display those trappings of travesty when a gay man wears a bridal gown during Pride events. Everything falls into place, including collective perception.
As for me, I can afford to wait, and surely JC too, as we are both partners whose union is shaped by age. And if the time comes we decide to live together. A government recognition and protection will do.
After all, I speak of our creator everytime his thoughts cross mine.
For we already share a journey.