June 23, 2004
First and Last Sunny Confrontation | Unedited
Fullmetal Dreams
I will never forget this night.
For the first time, I hanged the phone on my dad. I got all fed up with all his strong words to our financial manager. It seems like the crisis has gotten him. My mom think that his decision making and management abilities have already been impaired. God sawa na ako. Hindi ko na kayang marinig ang panglalait niya sa mga taong pinagkakatiwalaan ko pa.
Pasensya na, I was about to write a lighter blogger entry when he called. Shempre ako naman nakakaramdam na maglalabas ng sama ng loob sakin yung tao so bri-nace ko na ang sarili ko. He told me, pumasok ako ng maaga mamaya dahil kami na daw ang magtatake-over ng accounting department. He'll show Ms Delia who's the boss in the company. Hirit ko naman, "wala namang umaagaw sa position mo ah."
I don't want to recollect all the verbal trade-offs we had, but suffice to say, I was very very close to telling him all the resentments I have kept throughout this time. Mahirap na, baka bigla na lang ma-stroke yung kausap ko sa kabilang line, mabuti ba bagsakan ko na lang ng telepono sabay magpretend na nagkaroon ako ng nervous breakdown at nagwawala sa banyo pagtawag ulit.
Of course, I'm not the type of person who'll break down because of a problem. I would rather run away than being swallowed by it. Sa totoo hindi ko alam, hindi ko na alam kung sino ang papakinggan ko. After I slammed the phone, I immediately talked to his sister, which is the production manager to assess the situation.
And I found out that we're indeed in a very grim scenario.
I well understand how deadly our predicament is. I am very well aware that anytime everything would fall. But would it be better that despite the threats and crisis we face everyday, we face it with a peace of mind and a united heart? Problema kasi, mukhang wala nang tiwala tong tatay ko sa Finance Manager. I know by heart that the Finance Manager is doing everything to keep the company afloat. I know that most of the time, she's alone in her fight, kaming dalawa ni papa nagtatago sa kung saang sulok ng kama.
But can you blame me? How can a 22 year old resolve a problem reserve for elders and experienced businessmen? I can do much, but without the money, and the necessary authority to back me, everyone would think that I am just a mere kid. I've seen it before, I attended a dealers meeting and a lot of them we're a bit surprised why the company sent a kid to deal with big people. Ok lang sana sa akin, but when people starts to treat you as a kid, treating you to the point that they compare you to their own kids, diba parang nakaka-engeng rin?
My mom thinks I'm already nursing a tattered soul. Minsan nga naiisip ko, sa sobrang dami kong dapat isipin, madaling-araw na lang ang time ko para maging bata. I mean enjoy the small things that doesn't involve dialogue or compromise, or management or money. Minsan, mismong pagyoyosi na lang eh big break na sakin kasi feeling ko demure pa rin ako kapag naka-marlboro kahit tense na tense na ako.
Pasensya na talaga. I know some anonymous reader would laugh at my predicament, but you know what, sometimes I would really wanted to trade places with people who doesn't have to think big... to worry about everything aside from themselves. Seriously, I envy people who just have to worry about where to get their next money for their gym or watching movies, or buy the latest fashion craze. Inggit na inggit ako sa mga taong hawak nila ang sarili nilang buhay kasi ako hindi ko maafford mag-isip ng ganun. I would always have to think about my mom and my sis, about the business and everyone around it.
I know, I still learn from everything that's happening to me, pero minsan naiisip ko na rin talaga kung saan ba ako patungo. I prepared myself before for an empire in a bed of roses, pero ngayon, even just a moment of tranquility has its price. Our predicament made me think about a lot of things... and envy a lot of people of my age. Buti na lang wala sa isip ko ang mag-asawa kundi paano na ang mama at utol ko.
Minsan, nakakapagod maglakad sa tunnel na hindi mo alam kung kailan makikita ang liwanag. Everyone is telling me to surrender everything, end let my dad suffer his own fate, parang hindi ko rin kaya sumuko. Hindi ko na alam kung paano gagawin at sa totoo lang, ayaw ko nang makisali pa sa gulo. I tried my best to maintain order despite the crisis, but when the head itself is the one destroying the order... then I can't do anything about it.
Andami ko pang gustong sabihin pero kahit utak ko hindi ko na makita kung nasaan. Dapat sana marami akong ikwekwento tungkol sa mga novelties na nangyari sa buhay ko pero laging na-oovershadow ito ng problema ko sa trabaho. Gusto kong humanap ng buhay pero habang naiipit ako sa mga sitwasyon na hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin, mas gusto ko pang maging patay.
I am very very tired.
and in my dreams, I just want everything to end.
Present Day
Midnight Afterburner
The call of abandonment is tempting. Looking for a new job is easy. Leads still abound and there are the people-hungry call centers to run to should my ventures fail. Meanwhile, six agents have already resigned since the announcement came two weeks ago. The boss leads the chorus of thank you's and sorry's every time an agent leaves.
"Pasensya na sir, hindi ko talaga gustong umalis pero kailangan ko kumita." The most desperate gets to be the first to jump.
"Kami nga ang dapat mag-sorry, hindi namin gustong ilagay kayo sa ganitong posisyon."
What is happening today reminds me of the scenes that took place a long time ago. The publishing house was in dire straights and people hardly get their salaries. A strong leadership could have somehow steered the boat, but inner strife tore the hierarchy apart.
Things were becoming hopeless. I was doling P700 everyday to support 7 people in one department.
When the situation became too difficult to handle, I ran away to look for a job elsewhere. I left my dad and his loyal subjects to attend to our business. While reasons were valid, fleeing at a time of need is a dishonorable act. It took me six years to realize my mistake and I think I'm still paying for it.
Realizing that I have been given a chance to undo the past, all hints of leaving the company were dropped. I told my superior that I'd be staying even when my salary gets a cut.
Who knows, after passing through this road again with honor and maturity, my sins will be forgiven and I will be allowed to chart my destination, finally,
without the guilt to haunt me.
-tobecontinued-